Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize