god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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