After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
