SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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