Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
