Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
