First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
