the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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