I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
