i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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