Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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