she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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