??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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