i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
