you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
