there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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