I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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