i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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