You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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