I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
