I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
