I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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