I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
