you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize