i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i just google imaged poop.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
