PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
