I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
