Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
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