I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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