u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
