Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Randomize
