if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
