What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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