guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
