yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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