T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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