yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
