I faked an abortion last night.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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