So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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