are you still at the devil's house?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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