last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
