Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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