You smell like stripper and shame
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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