Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
