hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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