We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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