Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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