Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
