I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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