SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Nobody cheats on THIS.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
