Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
