dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
