i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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