What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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