shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
