Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
