i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
