Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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