hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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