Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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